Joe’s Journal

Ms. Pigette's secret plan

Tue, 08/15/2017 - 3:30pm

Were you overwhelmed by last week’s news events?

I sure was, as the current occupant of the White House tiptoed close to a mess in North Korea and slammed the GOP Senate majority leader.  Then, over the weekend, we watched in horror as some Neo-Nazi idiot drove his car into a crowd of folks he didn’t like.

It is almost enough to make a person hide under a rock or spend the rest of his life eating rocks and bushes in a hut on Manana.

Instead, I went to Damariscotta for a Round Top ice cream fix and stopped to chat with Maine’s newest candidate for governor, Ms. Pigette. You know her, she is the lovely porcine figure holding up a mailbox on Route 27 across the street from Joan Rittall’s house. From her perch on that major road, she is in a position to see and hear all the political gossip in the Midcoast. And, believe me, she does.

Recently, she whispered that she intended to run for governor as a Republican and, or, a Democrat in 2018 under the proposed ranked choice voting system. She argued that there would be so many fringe candidates seeking the post, she would be everyone’s second choice and a clear winner.

For the record, she brushed away suggestions of the ruling by the Maine Supreme Judicial Court that ranked choice voting violated the state constitution. “Fake news,” she said.

“Well, old, fat news idiot, I have another scoop for you,” she said when I stopped. “I have been researching the political scene and have found a sure winner.”

“Today’s political wisdom says you need a wedge issue to hammer your opponent while appealing to your base. Seeing how I have at least 11 opponents, I have decided to adopt the opposite approach.

“My strategy will unite Republicans, Democrats, Independents, veterans, church folks, cops, fishermen, merchants, retirees, teenagers and  mothers-in law everywhere. I am going to campaign against something everybody hates – cable TV providers.”

I let out a laugh and she bristled. “Don’t laugh, smart guy.”

Using the words of a TV pitchman, she said “No body, but nooobody,” likes the cable companies.

“We hate them,” she said. “Why? I’ll tell you. Lots of us are paying between $150 to $200 a month for dozens and dozens of TV channels we don’t care about. Think about it for a minute. We have two Canadian channels that broadcast in French. We have a slew of channels featuring religious programming of various flavors. Infomercials galore and channels that shows reruns of cop shows that are at least 20 years old. We have channels that show gaggles of black and white B movies and older TV shows. You want to know how to clean and cook a snow tire, for Pete’s sake, there is a cooking channel for that.


“Best of all, these same cable guys advertise in big type, a monthly price of ‘only’ $29 and change. Then, in type so tiny it looks like red ants crawling on a hot dog bun, they say that price is good only if you ‘bundle’ it with two other services, phone and internet. They each cost another $29. So you are up to about $90, not $29. Add in HBO and the NFL and you are up to $200 or so.”

Her voice got louder when she claimed if a customer tries to stop one service, say the phone, because they have a cell phone, it will not cost less. It will be the same, or maybe more. Somehow, she started to make sense.

I thought for a moment and remembered our recent cable bill which said they have been sold to another company. Just this week, I noticed that new company, one which promises great customer service and value, was slammed in a full page article in “The New Yorker.” It claims that in Lexington, Kentucky there are so many complaints about their service that the city government has hired a full time staffer just to listen and catalog their woes.

If folks in Kentucky are mad about their service, wait until Maine customers get fired up, I thought.

“It all leads up to a great issue that will get me lots of attention. And, attention means votes, right Grasshopper?” said Ms. Pigette.

“That seems to be a good issue, but you are stuck at the side of the road. How will you campaign?”

“Look pal, I am a celebrity. OK? Did you notice other political celebrities like Kid Rock running for the Senate in Michigan? Remember Sonny Bono? He was elected to Congress. I seem to remember a second string Hollywood actor being elected president. As for another celebrity who won national office … oh, never mind, you get the point.”